It’s no secret that relationships are complicated—even platonic ones. Sometimes our friends make choices that we don’t understand and feel uncomfortable supporting, but we’re there for them anyway because, well, we care! This is especially true when it comes to our friends and their romantic endeavors. 

For example, in the past, I’ve had friends get back together with toxic ex-partners, and I’ve been super confused as to what to do about it. If your friend is simply dating someone you don’t get along with, it’s hard enough. But if they’re straight-up toxic? Approaching the situation can feel impossible, and it can be really disconcerting for everyone involved. 

“Dealing with a friend or family member who gets back together with a toxic ex can be tough,” explains Sumarie Engelbrecht, founder and counselor at Wholistic Mental Health Care. Why? No one wants to be the one to tell your friend they’re making a bad decision, but you also don’t want to say nothing. (That just makes it worse.) 

I find myself wondering: Should I be up front and tell my friend that they need to cut it off? Will that just drive them away from me and deeper into their toxic partnership? Is this even my business? What if their safety is at risk? 

Ultimately, it’s super complicated, no matter your age or how close you are with your friend. So, we consulted the experts. Here’s what steps you can take when talking with your friend who got back with a toxic ex… 

First: Take A Deep Breath

Don’t go into this conversation all riled up. “It’s important to express your concerns calmly and supportively, focusing on their well-being,” says Engelbrecht. Don’t make the discussion about their partner and your dislike for them. Instead, with kindness and empathy, center your words around your friend and how you only want the best for them. 

Second: Know That Ultimately, It’s Out Of Your Hands

In the end, you can’t force your friend to do anything. You can calmly point out the ways their former relationship with this person was toxic and that they might not want to invite that energy back into their life—but it doesn’t mean they’ll listen or be ready to end things. With that in mind, “respect their autonomy and remember that it's ultimately their decision,” says Engelbrecht.

Third: Only Intervene If You Really Need To 

“If the relationship poses a serious risk, you might need to intervene more assertively. Research shows that supportive, non-judgmental communication can help maintain trust and keep the conversation open in these situations,” says Engelbrecht. At the very least, you can suggest that your friend seek out a therapist or relationship counselor to talk things through. Above all, let them know that you are there to support them and just a call away, no matter what. 

You’ve got this 💜.