Look, you can’t always be in the mood for sex—and that’s okay! And if you’re not up for it, it’s important to keep in mind: no always means no. It’s as simple as that!

But when you’re in a committed relationship, sometimes you might feel bad turning down your partner. You want to let them down gently, prioritizing compassion and care! You’re totally entitled to turn down whatever, whenever, but no one likes to hurt people’s feelings, either. 

So—what should you say? “The most important thing to remember when turning your partner down for sex is to let them know it has nothing to do with your desire for them, and everything to do with you,” explains Nicole Moore, a sex and relationship expert. 

She recommends saying something like: I love having sex with you. But today, I’m tired and not feeling my best. [Or insert whatever explanation!] Can we raincheck for another time when I’m feeling better?

Saying something along these lines lets your partner know that you truly enjoy intimacy with them, but for whatever reason, you’re not up for it right now. 

Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist, also recommends something like: 

Thanks, I'm not in the mood right now but I still think you're sexy. 

(This way you validate them while turning them down gently.)

I don't have the energy for sex right now but I would love a long make-out session. 

(This way you don't close off all opportunities for closeness and possibly getting in the mood down the road, even if not in the moment.)

You could also try phrasing like… 

You know you’re my world, but I’m not up for it right now! I love you, I just had a long day. 

You always make me feel so good. I love our relationship, but I’m exhausted right now. Can we cuddle until we fall asleep?

I’m feeling a little down today. Can we watch a funny show or play a game instead? Maybe I can get in the mood later. 

Let us know how these work for you! We hope these help 💜.